Do the rest of you have moments when you step outside the life you're living and into the world of all that could have been and is possible? And you feel this, well, I guess you'd call it potential welling up inside of you that is either being totally realized or completely wasted, only you don't know which it is because you're so busy realizing or wasting it on day-to-day functioning. I've always spent a lot of my time being very confused and frustrated because of these moments which can actually stretch out for days. I've never been sure of what I'm thinking or feeling. I can't distinguish between what I hope for and what I'm afraid of. I don't know if something is good or bad. I find myself thinking what, really, is my purpose? Where the am I and how the hell did I get here? Is it stress? Maybe it's a spiritual problem, maybe it's just problem with making decisions.
Sitting at Mom and Dad's house in Chicago this evening, in their bedroom/Dad's office, listening to Gillian Welch on Prairie Home Companion, a baseball game on mute on the TV, Dad doing his stretching after his walk, Mom changing clothes for about the 13th time today and organizing things that she'll never use the rest of her life, I had one of those moments. That feeling of things being intensely right, or intensely wrong. And I could have cried from happiness, fear, or frustration at not knowing which it was.
Maybe this is what it is to be 20-something. Maybe this is what it is to be me, being 20-something and having one child in one state and one in the other, to have parents who need me and a family who needs me too, to have all these un-realized dreams and all these other dreams realized. It's so confusing and I don't like thinking about it. The rest of you get those moments too right? This makes sense? Maybe my 30's will be different. Maybe I just shouldn't listen to Gillian Welch anymore.