Saturday, May 29, 2010

The Chapter Called Confusion

Do the rest of you have moments when you step outside the life you're living and into the world of all that could have been and is possible? And you feel this, well, I guess you'd call it potential welling up inside of you that is either being totally realized or completely wasted, only you don't know which it is because you're so busy realizing or wasting it on day-to-day functioning. I've always spent a lot of my time being very confused and frustrated because of these moments which can actually stretch out for days. I've never been sure of what I'm thinking or feeling. I can't distinguish between what I hope for and what I'm afraid of. I don't know if something is good or bad. I find myself thinking what, really, is my purpose? Where the am I and how the hell did I get here? Is it stress? Maybe it's a spiritual problem, maybe it's just problem with making decisions.

Sitting at Mom and Dad's house in Chicago this evening, in their bedroom/Dad's office, listening to Gillian Welch on Prairie Home Companion, a baseball game on mute on the TV, Dad doing his stretching after his walk, Mom changing clothes for about the 13th time today and organizing things that she'll never use the rest of her life, I had one of those moments. That feeling of things being intensely right, or intensely wrong. And I could have cried from happiness, fear, or frustration at not knowing which it was.

Maybe this is what it is to be 20-something. Maybe this is what it is to be me, being 20-something and having one child in one state and one in the other, to have parents who need me and a family who needs me too, to have all these un-realized dreams and all these other dreams realized. It's so confusing and I don't like thinking about it. The rest of you get those moments too right? This makes sense? Maybe my 30's will be different. Maybe I just shouldn't listen to Gillian Welch anymore.


  1. It could be Gillian, or Garrison, or those Powdermilk Biscuits.

  2. Yes, sure. Sometimes I look back & think I was nuts to get married so young, but here I am still happy. And sometimes I think those 4 years as a nanny were wholly a waste, career-wise. But I love those kids still. I think we all question past and future when we get a breath. Especially if you spend time with someone whose memory function forces them to live in the moment. You wonder what you want to remember & what you want to forget. And this is coming fro
    someone who never ever listens to NPR!

  3. You couldn't have expressed my feelings more fluidly.

    I've heard from more than one woman that they most enjoyed their 30s. They were still young yet finally knew who they were,what they wanted, and how to demand it of themselves and others.

    Maybe we can hope for the same peace of mind and strength in heart in our 30s :)

    I know all too well the longstanding feeling of failure due to wasted potential and talent.
    I've seen repeatedly that comfort brings complacency while chaos and discomfort bring change and growth.
    Though 26 years may not be a long time, it's been long enough to convince me that change is good in my life.

    I have to keep asking God where He wants me. He has the best answers and plans . . . anything else is just fighting against His Will :)
    I have to constantly remind myself to surrender. As soon as things start feeling undeniably RIGHT - I take the reigns and make a mess of things again. :)
    . . . I'm starting to worry that He doesn't intend for me to be a rockstar.

    Happy to have you back, Annie - in so many ways.